DATING AND COURTSHIP
Everyone
knows that in most cultures dating is a prelude to marriage. But what many
people don’t known is that how we date greatly influence the kind of marriage
we will have. The way we conduct our services while dating is an excellent
indicator of the commitment we will have to a future relationship and an
indicator of the level of happiness we will enjoy.
Introduction
to marriage by young people or single persons is our focus in this article, we
are going to look at the godly way to find a husband or wife. We’ll contrast
the modern dating culture with godly dating practices. We will share with you
some frank answers about the consequence of premarital sex and popular myths
about sex. And finally, we will share some advice given by people who have
committed their life to godly dating.
God
said, ‘’ it is not good that man should be alone’’ (Genesis 2 :18) and that
finding wife is ‘a good thing’ (Proverb 18:22). The same principle hold true
for women who find loving and responsible husbands. Marriage is good for us!
Marriages
are not only a basis for happiness, they offer us longer and better- quality
lives. They are also building blocks of communities, societies and ultimately,
civilizations. A society is only as strong as its marriages and families.
The
foundation for a good marriage is laid long before the wedding ceremony. It is
established when two people begin dating.
DATING: PREPARATION
FOR MARRIAGE
As
we grow up, “when can I begin dating?” is a question we commonly ask our
parents. Though the Bible give no specific age when dating is appropriate, wise
parents will teach their maturing children sound biblical principles that will
help them follow God’s standards of behavior.
Parents
should determine when their children are ready to date based on their maturity
and readiness to accept responsibility of their actions. Before parents allow
dating, they should teach and encourage their children to follow biblical
standard rather than turning them loose to do whatever comes naturally.
When
we first begin dating, it should be for the purpose of social development –
that is learning about the opposite sex and the many differences in human
personality, values and temperament, when we have our educations and an
established career, we are ready to date more seriously toward marriage.
Even
dating for marriage often begins on a social basis of getting to know another
person. It then may proceed to the next level, if both individuals are prepared
and willing. Let’s again begin with young people who are ready to start dating
socially.
Teaching young people God’s standards before
allowing them to date may sound terribly old-fashion and restrictive. But look
at his way; most government do not allow people to drive automobiles until they
demonstrate the knowledge and ability to do so in a safe manner. No responsible
parent would put his or her adolescent child in an automobile in the middle of
a busy highway without having given that child instruction on how to drive.
Dating
in our world is not without dangers either without proper instruction, too many youth become
promiscuous contraction transmissible diseases, experience unwanted pregnancies
and choose wrong path that seems enjoyable and okay at the time but lead to
unfold anguish (Proverb14:12;16:25) youth need instruction early as to why and
how biblical values can protect them from such suffering.
Without
this instruction many young people make mistakes that hinder their potential
for having a happy marriage. Loving parents would never wish misery on their
children, but leaving them ignorant is a sure path to heartache. A thorough
understanding of God’s standard for dating and marriage is one of the greatest
blessings children can receive from their parents.
Some
parents, however, are far past that point, having already reach adulthood,
married and divorced. Teaching young people proper behavior for dating is
obviously ideal. But, what about
adult? Do the principles change? Because
adults are older, appropriate for consenting adults?
The
Bible teaches that God’s standard for dating apply to of ages. He does not have
two sets of guidelines, one for adults and one for youth. Following the
Biblical laws is important regardless of one’s age. And breaking God’s is
disastrous for people of all ages.
MODERN STANDARD OF DATING
To
understand the difference between God’s way and the world’s, consider the
dating practices common in western countries which is now been imitated by other
nations of the world.
Many
assume that when people are dating, sexual intercourse is an appropriate
demonstration of affection and a way to determine whether they are compatible.
They believe that sex is a natural expression of love between two people and
therefore the normal thing to do when individuals are ‘’going together’’ or living
together in an exclusive relationship. If the couple up and the two start
dating others, the common assumption is that they are then free to have sex
relationship with their new partners.
This
practice of serial monogamy being sexually active with only one and another person at a time-is widely considered to be a
suitable way to date and find a future spouse.
In
the United States, by the mid- 1990s about two third of married women in their
20s had lived with their future spouses before getting married (Robert Moeller,
‘’America’s morality Report card, Christian Reader, November- December 1995,
pp.97-100). This dubious practice is followed by all too many young adult in
the western world, sadly, most don’t known the price they will pay for such
conduct.
One
of the first penalties of serial monogamy is emotional suffering. The sexual
act create an emotional band between a man and a woman, when a couple breaks up
after having sexual relation, there is inevitable pain because of the severing
of this band.
To
ease that pain, the young man and woman typically more quickly establish a
similar relationship with a new partner- repeating the same mistake.
As
people move on to one sexual relationship after another, not only of they have
to deal with the plain of these broken
bonds they establish the habit of short- term sexual relationship-a way of
thinking that is more often than not carried over into marriage. No wonder
those who have sex prior to marriage have more divorcees than those who don’t
Most
of those who have sex prior to marriage say their partners should disclose any
sexually transmissible diseases (STDS) before intercourse so appropriate
protection can be employed by using contraceptives to help avoid disease and
unwanted pregnancies. (Something that does not always work, couples believe
that they are practicing “safe sex”. These practices are so widely accepted
that many educational systems from middle school through university level,
provide free contraceptives to students, no question asked. Although this
approach to be logical, it doesn’t measure up to God’s standard – which when
practiced are always safe, the truth is that these so called “safe sex”
practices can not work very well at all.
Even
through young people are receiving much education about sex, this education is
not producing “safe sex” instead, many young people are contracting STDS, some
of which will be with them for the rest of their lives. The epidemic is so bad
that in the United States, one in four sexually active teens contract an
sexually transmitted diseases every year (stenzel, p.67)
PAYING FOR THE PRICE FOR PASSION
When
we fail to follow God’s law regarding sexually activity, we always pay a
penalty. The physical penalties are well documented.
Today,
more than 25 sexually transmitted diseases afflict people around the world, a
number that is readily growing – some sexually transmitted diseases are caused
by bacteria and can be treated with antibiotics – if they are detected. Others,
like AIDS, are caused by viruses – meaning there is no cure for the disease.
Those
who contract a viral sexually transmitted diseases such as human papillomavirus
(HPV), commonly known as genital warts, will have it for life. This is the most
commonly STD in American over a third of all sexually active unmarried people
are infected with it, many of them unaware that they carry the virus
Sadly,
most Americans and other nationals don’t take the threat of sexually
transmitted diseases seriously. The centers for diseases control report.
“Despite the fact that a great deal of progress has been made in sexually
transmitted diseases prevention over the past four decades, the united states
has the highest rates of STDS in the industrialized world. The rates of STDS
are 50 – 100 times higher in the united states than in other industrial nation,
even though rates of gonorrhea and syphilis are recently been brought to
historic lows.
“In
the united states
alone, an essential 15.3 million new cases of STDs are reported each year.
Despite the fact STDs are extremity widespread and add billion of dollars to
the nation’s hearth are cost each year,
most people in united states remain unaware of all but the most prominent STD –
HIV, the virus that causes Aids (CDC
national prevention information network)
TO
help people understand just how likely it is to get an STD in the United States,
Pam Stanza writers:
Have
you ever heard of Russian Roulette? It is a ‘game’ where one bullet is loaded
into a multi Chambered gun, one holds the gun to walk away alive
“Compare playing Russian
Roulette with a six-shooter to having sex. You are more likely to contract an
STD from sexual contract than you would be gun. If someone say to you. ‘Hey,
how about joining us for a round of Russian Roulette?” I bet you do say, Are
you crazy? Not even an idiot would do something that stupid“. And yet seems
continue to have sex, thinking pregnancy and AIDS, they will be fine (stenz, p,
68)
HISTORY
REPEATS ITSELF
History rewards from the
ancient city of Corinth reveal that in the heart of the Roman Empire, the most
technologically advanced civilization of it’s day, the sexual values of the
first century were similar to modern concept of dating today. Standards were so
skewed that sexual relations with temple prostitutes were not looked upon as scandalous
but considered an appropriate form of worship. Through the apostle Paul, God
taught the Corinthians a much better way. After saying that sexual immorality
is a sin against our own bodies, Paul said: “or do you not know that your body is the
temple of the Holy Spirit …and you are not your own? For you were bought at a
price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s
(1 Corinthians 6:19-20)
How could Paul dare to
address others private behavior? He was bold because he understood that God
approves sexual relations only within the Marriage relationship.
The Bible Says: Therefore
shall a man leave his father and another shall cleave unto his wife; and they
shall be one flesh. (Genesis 2:24) Marriage is honorable in all in all, and the
bed undefiled: but whoremonger and adulteress God will judge. (Hebrews 13:4)
Sexual relations in any
other situation outside marriage is immoral
Writing to church members in
Thessalonica, Paul addressed relationships between members of the opposite sex
even more directly. Urging the brethren to live their lives in a way that
pleases God. (I Thessalonians 4:1) he wrote:
“This is the will of God, that you should be
holy; you must abstain from fornication; each one of you must learn to gain
mastery over his body, to hallow and honor it, not giving way to list like the
pagans who know nothing of God; no one must do his fellow – Christian wrong in
this matter, or infringe his rights.”
“As we impressed on you
before, the Lord punished all such offences. For God call us to holiness, not
to impurity. Anyone therefore who flouts these rules is flouting not man but
the God who bestows on you His Holy Spirit.”
The custom and practice of
dating which leads to marriage should be conducted with honor, it should not be
an excuse for sexual gratification. God expects us to enter marriage as
virgins. This approach shows respect for God, our bodies, our future spouse and
the divine institution of marriage. God’s way is the best for making marriage
work. Sociologists have found that God’s
standard for dating is the one that produces marriage that last.
According to the Journal
of Marriage and the Family: After analyzing cohabitation and marriage
pattern among some 13,000 adults, sociologists have concluded that couples who
live together before marriage experience higher level of marital conflict and
do not communicate well. Such couples were less committed to marriage and saw divorces
as more likely than those who had not cohabited prior to marriage” (vol.54,
1992)
DATING
FOR SOCIABILITY
Question:
How can concerned parents counteract pressure on their children to take part in
immoral dating practices?
Answer:
The first, step, as noted earlier; is to teach the Godly principles of dating
and friendship. When their teens are ready, many families have found group dating
(three or more people attending an activity together) to be a good way for youths
to enter this stage of life
Since
teenagers are generally not ready for marriage because of immorality and the
need for educational and occupational training some of the pressures and temptation
of one-on-one dating can be avoided through group dates. Social development and
learning to have fun in the company of the opposite sex in a safe environment
can be healthy experiences for teens
DATING FOR MARRIAGE
When
two mature persons begin dating each other with an eye toward marriage, they
must consider many things.
- What values the other person hold?
- Does he/she believe in God?
- Does he/she obey God?
- What is this person’s background?
- What is his/her personal standards and values?
- What is his /her preference, dislike character and personality?
- Will this person be a complementary match?
- Can I love and respect him/her?
Often, in modern dating little thought is
given to a potential partner for life – other than whether the two enjoy their
sexual activities. Yet when two people refrain from the emotionally charged
arena of sexual relations as God instructs, they can much more rationally
consider the values and traits of a potential mate.
Finding
a life partner or a mate with similar religious values is an especially
important consideration.The ancient nation of lsrael especially lost its
spiritual moorings when its citizens intermarried with people with different
religious conviction and practices, The Bible says in Numbers 25:1-3
”And
lsrael abode in Shittin, and the people
began to commit whoredom with the
daughter of Moab. And they called the people unto the sacrifices of their
gods, and the people did eat, and
bowed down to the gods. And lsrael
joined himself unto Baal Peor and the anger of the Lord was kindled against
lsrael”
The Bible says in Nehemiah 13:23-26
“In
those days also saw I jews that had married wives of Ashdod, of Ammon, and of Moab,
and their children spoke half in the speech of Ashdod, and could not speak in
their jews language, but according to the language of each people. And I
contented with them, and cursed them and smote certain of them and pluched off
their hair, and made them swear ,by God, Saying Ye shall not give your
daughters unto their sons, nor take their daughter unto your sons or for
yourselves. Did not Solomon king of lsrael sin by these things? Yet among many
nations was, there was no king like him. Who was beloved of his God and God
made him king over all lsrael. Nevertheless even him did outlandish woman cause
to sin.”
Marrying within ones faith is still just as
important. Ideally, children should, have two parent who believe practice and
teach the same religious principles. When children have parents with different
values, they are confused. Even if children are not involves clashed between
two competing values system can be painful.
Through
bitter experience, many wish that when they were dating they had followed the
Apostle Paul’s advice against being “unequally yoked together” with an
unbeliever or someone of different religious beliefs: Bible says, in
2corinthians 6:14
“Be
ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath
righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?”
Compare
1Corinthians 7:39 which says
“The
wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be
dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord.”
There
is wisdom in selecting a partner or a mate who is compatible in the religious
philosophical and ethnic dimensions, among others of course, God is always
pleased to give us the wisdom we need when we ask. The Bible says in James 1:5
“If
any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally,
and upbraideth not, and it shall be given him”
As
two people consider marriage, if they are wise they will also seek pre marital
counseling such counsel can help couples understand their strengths, weaknesses
and differences before marriage. In addition to an objective review, they can
learn communication and relationship skill that will help them in the future.
Although
the decision is personal one, this kind of information can help couples make
wife choice about whom they marry. For those who choose to proceed with
marriage, insight gained through pre marital counseling can lay a foundation
for a relationship that will last.
PHYSICAL CONTACT BEFORE
MARRIAGE
Biologically,
God created us to respond to – skin – to – skin contact with someone to whom we are attracted . Holding hands, hugging,
kissing or other similar contact can be exciting.
- Is such contact good, upright and moral?
- Is it in our best interest to engage in these practices before marriage?
- How does one decide?
For
those who have adopted the standard of behavior endorsed by so much of today’s
popular culture, these are stupid question. In fact, they are non question
meaning that they are not relevant to today’s popular culture. When people
believe it is okay to have any kind of sex with any other person before or
outside of marriage or little or a lot of touching doesn’t really mean anything.
Consider
the Nigerian home movies or the blockbuster movies Titanic in United States
movies, two young people met, fell in love and they slipped away to a private
place to have sex – ignoring the uncomfortable fact that one of them is engaged
to someone else.
Even
though current statistics from the Centers for Diseases show that the
majority of high school students in the United States don’t have sex, many
movies present scenes like this as the norm for young people. The way it
unfolds is true to life. It all starts with physical contact, touching, hugging
and kissing. And then comes full sexual intercourse. But this goes against what
the Bible teaches. The Bible says in Genesis 2:24
“
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto
his wife and they shall be one flesh.”
God
explains how and when a sexual union between a man and a woman should take
place as we have already seen in Genesis 2:24
“One
flesh” means to have sexual intercourse. Bible says in 1Corinthians 6:16. “What?
Know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? For two, said
he, shall be one flesh”
According
to God’s instructions, this is to take place after a man and a woman have been
joined together in marriage. Having sex before marriage is immoral, and
according to God’s word, we are supposed to “flee sexual immorality” Bible says
in 1Corinthians 6:18
“Flee
fornication, every sin that a man doeth is without the body, but he that
committed fornication sinneth against his own body.”
Flee
means to run away from or avoid. So we were supposed to run away from pre
marital sex and things that could entice us to be immoral.
An
important point to note in God’s instruction is that abstinence doesn’t have to
be forever. We simply must wait until we are married. Then Bible says in Hebrew
13:4
“Marriage
is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled. But whoremongers and adulterers
God will judge.”
God
says, Sex is good (Heb 13:4) Good News. Because abstinence has been described
in such negative terms, some educators have now chosen to use the word
postponement to describe the process of delaying sex until marriage.
Question: How do I decide the
matter of sex before marriage?
Answer: Many of you reading this
have already decided to wait to have sex until you are married. Some have also
decided that they are going to stop
having sex before marriage.
That is great!
These are good decisions:
- But what about touching?
- Are you going to hug, kiss, hold hands or more?
While the Bible doesn’t specifically address these areas,
it does clearly say that we aren’t to have sex before marriage.
Bible says in 1 Corinthian 6:18
“Flee fornication. Even sin that a man doeth is without
the body, but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body or
even to lust after another person.”
Matthew 5:58 says
“ But l say unto you, that whosoever looketh on a woman
to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.”
Love should not be stirred up or awakened until the
appropriate time.
Songs of Solomon 2:7
“ I charge you, o ye daughters of Jerusalem, by the roses,
and by the hinds of the field, that ye stir not up, nor awake my love, till he pleases.”
Years of human experience show that these types of touch
often lead to lustful desire and sex. Regrettably, many young people have
engaged in these forms of physical contact and then lost their virginity
because their emotion overwhelmed their sense of judgement. They couldn’t stop because it felt too good of course,
adult are similarly affected by physical contact.
So how can we decide what we will do?
Some have asked,
Question: “Just how far can a
Christian go without sinning?
Answer: The time to make decision
about physical contact is before we get in a touching situation.Making a
decision on the fly with no forethought is recipe for going too far.
Dating Golden Rules:
·
Fix your thought on
what is true and good and right
·
Think about things
that are pure and lovely.
·
Dwell on the fine,
good things in others.
·
Think about all you
can praise God for and be glad about it
·
Keep putting into
practice all you learned from the Bible, the church and your parents.
·
The resultant effect is
the God of peace will bless you and your marriage life. And finally the God of
peace will be with you. (philippian:8,9 paraphrased)
PLANNING FOR SEXUAL HAPPINESS
Question: How
can I plan for my sexual happiness?
Answer: As
individuals, we choose whether we will live sexually pure lives or whether we
will ignore the instructions that lead to happiness and satisfaction.
TIPS FOR PLANNING AND BUILDING SEXUAL
HAPPINESS.
- Making a commitment to parents, friends and God to be sexually pure in word, thought and deed is an important first step in living a full, complete, sexually happy life.
- We can determine that we will not use filty language of any kind- including the type that degrade sex.
- We can also determine that we will not watch movies with inappropriate sexual content or listen to songs with sexual explicit lyrics because they can influence.
- We can determine that we won’t bow to peer pressure to go along with those who disrespect.
- We can determine that we are willing to be mocked for our beliefs and that we won’t succumb.
- We can choose to associate primarily with friends who share our conviction.
- We can make it our daily practice to pray to God for strength to honor Him is the way live our lives.
- All of these things will help us live an abundant life.
The
Bible says in John 10: 10
“The
thief cometh not, but for to steal and to kill and to destroy: I am come that
they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.”
As
we have seen, God intends dating and marriage to be high class , honorable
experience. Treat sex as God’s honorable, gift
to be awakened only in marriage , and you can reap the sweet reward of a
happy and godly life.
Question : At what age should
one marry?
Answer:
The Bible does not indicate that there is a special age at which it becomes
appropriate for us to marry. Just as everyone matures at a different rate,
determining the best time for marriage include:
·
Whether one’s
education is complete
- Whether one’s job, skill or career is enough to support a family.
- Whether one is mature to handle responsibilities that come with marriage.
Factors
including one’s overall maturity, culture, education and employment must be
considered. Young people today are generally in their mid 20’s before they are
ready for marriage. Nevertheless, in most developing countries of the world as
a result of economic factors are getting into marriage before late 20’s and mid
30’s
Question :
What if you’ve made a mistake?
Answer: When
it comes to sex, people make mistakes both premarital and extramarital.
The biblical way to clean one’s
conscience is to repent that is stop breaking God’s ,law. Sometimes, after
making a sexual mistake, people will reason that since they have committed the
sin, they may continue doing so. This is faulty thinking because continuing to
practice premarital sex or adultery perpetuates one’s sin and can lead to a
seared, unresponsive conscience.