DATING AND COURTSHIP

Everyone knows that in most cultures dating is a prelude to marriage. But what many people don’t known is that how we date greatly influence the kind of marriage we will have. The way we conduct our services while dating is an excellent indicator of the commitment we will have to a future relationship and an indicator of the level of happiness we will enjoy.

Introduction to marriage by young people or single persons is our focus in this article, we are going to look at the godly way to find a husband or wife. We’ll contrast the modern dating culture with godly dating practices. We will share with you some frank answers about the consequence of premarital sex and popular myths about sex. And finally, we will share some advice given by people who have committed their life to godly dating.

God said, ‘’ it is not good that man should be alone’’ (Genesis 2 :18) and that finding wife is ‘a good thing’ (Proverb 18:22). The same principle hold true for women who find loving and responsible husbands. Marriage is good for us!

Marriages are not only a basis for happiness, they offer us longer and better- quality lives. They are also building blocks of communities, societies and ultimately, civilizations. A society is only as strong as its marriages and families.

The foundation for a good marriage is laid long before the wedding ceremony. It is established when two people begin dating.

DATING: PREPARATION FOR MARRIAGE

As we grow up, “when can I begin dating?” is a question we commonly ask our parents. Though the Bible give no specific age when dating is appropriate, wise parents will teach their maturing children sound biblical principles that will help them follow God’s standards of behavior.

Parents should determine when their children are ready to date based on their maturity and readiness to accept responsibility of their actions. Before parents allow dating, they should teach and encourage their children to follow biblical standard rather than turning them loose to do whatever comes naturally.

When we first begin dating, it should be for the purpose of social development – that is learning about the opposite sex and the many differences in human personality, values and temperament, when we have our educations and an established career, we are ready to date more seriously toward marriage.

Even dating for marriage often begins on a social basis of getting to know another person. It then may proceed to the next level, if both individuals are prepared and willing. Let’s again begin with young people who are ready to start dating socially.

 Teaching young people God’s standards before allowing them to date may sound terribly old-fashion and restrictive. But look at his way; most government do not allow people to drive automobiles until they demonstrate the knowledge and ability to do so in a safe manner. No responsible parent would put his or her adolescent child in an automobile in the middle of a busy highway without having given that child instruction on how to drive.

Dating in our world is not without dangers either without proper  instruction, too many youth become promiscuous contraction transmissible diseases, experience unwanted pregnancies and choose wrong path that seems enjoyable and okay at the time but lead to unfold anguish (Proverb14:12;16:25) youth need instruction early as to why and how biblical values can protect them from such suffering.

Without this instruction many young people make mistakes that hinder their potential for having a happy marriage. Loving parents would never wish misery on their children, but leaving them ignorant is a sure path to heartache. A thorough understanding of God’s standard for dating and marriage is one of the greatest blessings children can receive from their parents.

Some parents, however, are far past that point, having already reach adulthood, married and divorced. Teaching young people proper behavior for dating is obviously ideal. But,  what about adult?  Do the principles change? Because adults are older, appropriate for consenting adults?

The Bible teaches that God’s standard for dating apply to of ages. He does not have two sets of guidelines, one for adults and one for youth. Following the Biblical laws is important regardless of one’s age. And breaking God’s is disastrous for people of all ages.

MODERN STANDARD OF DATING

To understand the difference between God’s way and the world’s, consider the dating practices common in western countries which is now been imitated by other nations of the world.

Many assume that when people are dating, sexual intercourse is an appropriate demonstration of affection and a way to determine whether they are compatible. They believe that sex is a natural expression of love between two people and therefore the normal thing to do when individuals are ‘’going together’’ or living together in an exclusive relationship. If the couple up and the two start dating others, the common assumption is that they are then free to have sex relationship with their new partners.

This practice of serial monogamy being sexually active with only one and another  person at a time-is widely considered to be a suitable way to date and find a future spouse.

In the United States, by the mid- 1990s about two third of married women in their 20s had lived with their future spouses before getting married (Robert Moeller, ‘’America’s morality Report card, Christian Reader, November- December 1995, pp.97-100). This dubious practice is followed by all too many young adult in the western world, sadly, most don’t known the price they will pay for such conduct.

One of the first penalties of serial monogamy is emotional suffering. The sexual act create an emotional band between a man and a woman, when a couple breaks up after having sexual relation, there is inevitable pain because of the severing of this band.

To ease that pain, the young man and woman typically more quickly establish a similar relationship with a new partner- repeating the same mistake.

As people move on to one sexual relationship after another, not only of they have to deal with the plain  of these broken bonds they establish the habit of short- term sexual relationship-a way of thinking that is more often than not carried over into marriage. No wonder those who have sex prior to marriage have more divorcees than those who don’t

Most of those who have sex prior to marriage say their partners should disclose any sexually transmissible diseases (STDS) before intercourse so appropriate protection can be employed by using contraceptives to help avoid disease and unwanted pregnancies. (Something that does not always work, couples believe that they are practicing “safe sex”. These practices are so widely accepted that many educational systems from middle school through university level, provide free contraceptives to students, no question asked. Although this approach to be logical, it doesn’t measure up to God’s standard – which when practiced are always safe, the truth is that these so called “safe sex” practices can not work very well at all.

Even through young people are receiving much education about sex, this education is not producing “safe sex” instead, many young people are contracting STDS, some of which will be with them for the rest of their lives. The epidemic is so bad that in the United States, one in four sexually active teens contract an sexually transmitted diseases every year (stenzel, p.67)

PAYING FOR THE PRICE FOR PASSION

When we fail to follow God’s law regarding sexually activity, we always pay a penalty. The physical penalties are well documented.

Today, more than 25 sexually transmitted diseases afflict people around the world, a number that is readily growing – some sexually transmitted diseases are caused by bacteria and can be treated with antibiotics – if they are detected. Others, like AIDS, are caused by viruses – meaning there is no cure for the disease.

Those who contract a viral sexually transmitted diseases such as human papillomavirus (HPV), commonly known as genital warts, will have it for life. This is the most commonly STD in American over a third of all sexually active unmarried people are infected with it, many of them unaware that they carry the virus

Sadly, most Americans and other nationals don’t take the threat of sexually transmitted diseases seriously. The centers for diseases control report. “Despite the fact that a great deal of progress has been made in sexually transmitted diseases prevention over the past four decades, the united states has the highest rates of STDS in the industrialized world. The rates of STDS are 50 – 100 times higher in the united states than in other industrial nation, even though rates of gonorrhea and syphilis are recently been brought to historic lows.

“In the united states alone, an essential 15.3 million new cases of STDs are reported each year. Despite the fact STDs are extremity widespread and add billion of dollars to the nation’s hearth  are cost each year, most people in united states remain unaware of all but the most prominent STD – HIV, the virus  that causes Aids (CDC national prevention information network)

TO help people understand just how likely it is to get an STD in the United States, Pam Stanza writers:

Have you ever heard of Russian Roulette? It is a ‘game’ where one bullet is loaded into a multi Chambered gun, one holds the gun to walk away alive

“Compare playing Russian Roulette with a six-shooter to having sex. You are more likely to contract an STD from sexual contract than you would be gun. If someone say to you. ‘Hey, how about joining us for a round of Russian Roulette?” I bet you do say, Are you crazy? Not even an idiot would do something that stupid“. And yet seems continue to have sex, thinking pregnancy and AIDS, they will be fine (stenz, p, 68)

HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF

History rewards from the ancient city of Corinth reveal that in the heart of the Roman Empire, the most technologically advanced civilization of it’s day, the sexual values of the first century were similar to modern concept of dating today. Standards were so skewed that sexual relations with temple prostitutes were not looked upon as scandalous but considered an appropriate form of worship. Through the apostle Paul, God taught the Corinthians a much better way. After saying that sexual immorality is a sin against our own bodies, Paul said: “or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit …and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)

How could Paul dare to address others private behavior? He was bold because he understood that God approves sexual relations only within the Marriage relationship.

The Bible Says: Therefore shall a man leave his father and another shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh. (Genesis 2:24) Marriage is honorable in all in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremonger and adulteress God will judge. (Hebrews 13:4)

Sexual relations in any other situation outside marriage is immoral

Writing to church members in Thessalonica, Paul addressed relationships between members of the opposite sex even more directly. Urging the brethren to live their lives in a way that pleases God. (I Thessalonians 4:1) he wrote:

 “This is the will of God, that you should be holy; you must abstain from fornication; each one of you must learn to gain mastery over his body, to hallow and honor it, not giving way to list like the pagans who know nothing of God; no one must do his fellow – Christian wrong in this matter, or infringe his rights.”

“As we impressed on you before, the Lord punished all such offences. For God call us to holiness, not to impurity. Anyone therefore who flouts these rules is flouting not man but the God who bestows on you His Holy Spirit.”

The custom and practice of dating which leads to marriage should be conducted with honor, it should not be an excuse for sexual gratification. God expects us to enter marriage as virgins. This approach shows respect for God, our bodies, our future spouse and the divine institution of marriage. God’s way is the best for making marriage work. Sociologists  have found that God’s standard for dating is the one that produces marriage that last.

According to the Journal of Marriage and the Family: After analyzing cohabitation and marriage pattern among some 13,000 adults, sociologists have concluded that couples who live together before marriage experience higher level of marital conflict and do not communicate well. Such couples were less committed to marriage and saw divorces as more likely than those who had not cohabited prior to marriage” (vol.54, 1992)

DATING FOR SOCIABILITY

Question: How can concerned parents counteract pressure on their children to take part in immoral dating practices?

Answer: The first, step, as noted earlier; is to teach the Godly principles of dating and friendship. When their teens are ready, many families have found group dating (three or more people attending an activity together) to be a good way for youths to enter this stage of life

Since teenagers are generally not ready for marriage because of immorality and the need for educational and occupational training some of the pressures and temptation of one-on-one dating can be avoided through group dates. Social development and learning to have fun in the company of the opposite sex in a safe environment can be healthy experiences for teens

 DATING FOR MARRIAGE

When two mature persons begin dating each other with an eye toward marriage, they must consider many things.

• What values the other person hold?
• Does he/she believe in God?
• Does he/she obey God?
• What is this person’s background?
• What is his/her personal standards and values?
• What is his /her preference, dislike character and personality?
• Will this person be a complementary match?
• Can I love and respect him/her?

Often, in modern dating little thought is given to a potential partner for life – other than whether the two enjoy their sexual activities. Yet when two people refrain from the emotionally charged arena of sexual relations as God instructs, they can much more rationally consider the values and traits of a potential mate.

Finding a life partner or a mate with similar religious values is an especially important consideration.The ancient nation of lsrael especially lost its spiritual moorings when its citizens intermarried with people with different religious conviction and practices, The Bible says in Numbers 25:1-3

”And lsrael abode in Shittin, and  the people began to  commit whoredom with the daughter of Moab. And they called the people unto the sacrifices of their gods,  and the people did eat, and bowed  down to the gods. And lsrael joined himself unto Baal Peor and the anger of the Lord was kindled against lsrael”

 The Bible says in Nehemiah 13:23-26

“In those days also saw I jews that had married wives of Ashdod, of Ammon, and of Moab, and their children spoke half in the speech of Ashdod, and could not speak in their jews language, but according to the language of each people. And I contented with them, and cursed them and smote certain of them and pluched off their hair, and made them swear ,by God, Saying Ye shall not give your daughters unto their sons, nor take their daughter unto your sons or for yourselves. Did not Solomon king of lsrael sin by these things? Yet among many nations was, there was no king like him. Who was beloved of his God and God made him king over all lsrael. Nevertheless even him did outlandish woman cause to sin.”

 Marrying within ones faith is still just as important. Ideally, children should, have two parent who believe practice and teach the same religious principles. When children have parents with different values, they are confused. Even if children are not involves clashed between two competing values system can be painful.

Through bitter experience, many wish that when they were dating they had followed the Apostle Paul’s advice against being “unequally yoked together” with an unbeliever or someone of different religious beliefs: Bible says, in 2corinthians 6:14

“Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?” 

Compare 1Corinthians 7:39 which says

“The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord.”

There is wisdom in selecting a partner or a mate who is compatible in the religious philosophical and ethnic dimensions, among others of course, God is always pleased to give us the wisdom we need when we ask. The Bible says in James 1:5

“If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not, and it shall be given him”

As two people consider marriage, if they are wise they will also seek pre marital counseling such counsel can help couples understand their strengths, weaknesses and differences before marriage. In addition to an objective review, they can learn communication and relationship skill that will help them in the future.

Although the decision is personal one, this kind of information can help couples make wife choice about whom they marry. For those who choose to proceed with marriage, insight gained through pre marital counseling can lay a foundation for a relationship that will last.

PHYSICAL CONTACT BEFORE MARRIAGE

Biologically, God created us to respond to – skin – to – skin contact with someone to whom  we are attracted . Holding hands, hugging, kissing or other similar contact can be exciting.

•  Is such contact good, upright and moral?
• Is it in our best interest to engage in these practices before marriage?
• How does one decide?

For those who have adopted the standard of behavior endorsed by so much of today’s popular culture, these are stupid question. In fact, they are non question meaning that they are not relevant to today’s popular culture. When people believe it is okay to have any kind of sex with any other person before or outside of marriage or little or a lot of touching doesn’t really mean anything.

Consider the Nigerian home movies or the blockbuster movies Titanic in United States movies, two young people met, fell in love and they slipped away to a private place to have sex – ignoring the uncomfortable fact that one of them is engaged to someone else.

Even though current statistics from the Centers for Diseases show that the majority of high school students in the United States don’t have sex, many movies present scenes like this as the norm for young people. The way it unfolds is true to life. It all starts with physical contact, touching, hugging and kissing. And then comes full sexual intercourse. But this goes against what the Bible teaches. The Bible says in Genesis 2:24

“ Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife and they shall be one flesh.”

God explains how and when a sexual union between a man and a woman should take place as we have already seen in Genesis 2:24

“One flesh” means to have sexual intercourse. Bible says in 1Corinthians 6:16. “What? Know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? For two, said he, shall be one flesh”

According to God’s instructions, this is to take place after a man and a woman have been joined together in marriage. Having sex before marriage is immoral, and according to God’s word, we are supposed to “flee sexual immorality” Bible says in 1Corinthians 6:18

“Flee fornication, every sin that a man doeth is without the body, but he that committed fornication sinneth against his own body.”

Flee means to run away from or avoid. So we were supposed to run away from pre marital sex and things that could entice us to be immoral.

An important point to note in God’s instruction is that abstinence doesn’t have to be forever. We simply must wait until we are married. Then Bible says in Hebrew 13:4

“Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled. But whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.”

God says, Sex is good (Heb 13:4) Good News. Because abstinence has been described in such negative terms, some educators have now chosen to use the word postponement to describe the process of delaying sex until marriage.

Question: How do I decide the matter of sex before marriage?

Answer: Many of you reading this have already decided to wait to have sex until you are married. Some have also decided that they  are going to stop having sex before marriage.

That  is great! These are good decisions:

• But what about touching?
• Are you going to hug, kiss, hold hands or more?

While the Bible doesn’t specifically address these areas, it does clearly say that we aren’t to have sex before marriage.

Bible says in 1 Corinthian 6:18

“Flee fornication. Even sin that a man doeth is without the body, but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body   or even to lust after another person.”

 Matthew 5:58 says

“ But l say unto you, that whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.”

Love should not be stirred up or awakened until the appropriate time.

Songs of Solomon 2:7

“ I charge you, o ye daughters of Jerusalem, by the roses, and by the hinds of the field, that ye stir not up, nor  awake my love, till he pleases.”

Years of human experience show that these types of touch often lead to lustful desire and sex. Regrettably, many young people have engaged in these forms of physical contact and then lost their virginity because their emotion overwhelmed their sense of judgement. They couldn’t  stop because it felt too good of course, adult are similarly affected by physical contact.

So how can we decide what we will do?

Some have asked,

Question: “Just how far can a Christian go without sinning?

Answer: The time to make decision about physical contact is before we get in a touching situation.Making a decision on the fly with no forethought is recipe for going too far.

Dating Golden Rules:

·         Fix your thought on what is true and good and right

·         Think about things that are pure and lovely.

·         Dwell on the fine, good things in others.

·         Think about all you can praise God for and be glad about it

·         Keep putting into practice all you learned from the Bible, the church and your parents.

·         The resultant effect is the God of peace will bless you and your marriage life. And finally the God of peace will be with you. (philippian:8,9 paraphrased)

PLANNING FOR SEXUAL HAPPINESS

Question: How can I plan for my sexual happiness?

Answer: As individuals, we choose whether we will live sexually pure lives or whether we will ignore the instructions that lead to happiness and satisfaction.

TIPS FOR PLANNING AND BUILDING SEXUAL HAPPINESS.

• Making a commitment to parents, friends and God to be sexually pure in word, thought and deed is an important first step in living a full, complete, sexually happy life.

• We can determine that we will not use filty language of any kind- including the type that degrade sex.
• We can also determine that we will not watch movies with inappropriate sexual content or listen to songs with sexual explicit lyrics because they can  influence.
• We can determine that we won’t bow to peer pressure to go along with those who disrespect.
• We can determine that we are willing to be mocked for our beliefs and that we won’t succumb.
• We can choose to associate primarily with friends who share our conviction.
• We can make it our daily practice to pray to God for strength to honor Him is the way live our lives.
• All of these things will help us live an abundant life.

The Bible says in John 10: 10

“The thief cometh not, but for to steal and to kill and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.”

As we have seen, God intends dating and marriage to be high class , honorable experience. Treat sex as God’s honorable, gift  to be awakened only in marriage , and you can reap the sweet reward of a happy and  godly life.

 Question : At what age should one marry?

Answer: The Bible does not indicate that there is a special age at which it becomes appropriate for us to marry. Just as everyone matures at a different rate, determining the best time for marriage include:

·         Whether one’s education is complete

•  Whether one’s job, skill or career is enough to support a family.
•  Whether one is mature to handle responsibilities that come with marriage.

Factors including one’s overall maturity, culture, education and employment must be considered. Young people today are generally in their mid 20’s before they are ready for marriage. Nevertheless, in most developing countries of the world as a result of economic factors are getting into marriage before late 20’s and mid 30’s

Question : What if you’ve made a mistake?

Answer: When it comes to sex, people make mistakes both premarital and extramarital. The  biblical way to clean one’s conscience is to repent that is stop breaking God’s ,law. Sometimes, after making a sexual mistake, people will reason that since they have committed the sin, they may continue doing so. This is faulty thinking because continuing to practice premarital sex or adultery perpetuates one’s sin and can lead to a seared, unresponsive conscience.